Hello friends. When I started this blog I promised myself two things.
- No expectations, only fun.
- If it gets overwhelming, let it go.
Well... in classic Lauren Baker style, I have expectations and I'm overwhelmed.
Here's the thing- I am the kind of person who thinks my self-worth is evident through tangible success. Sometimes it works in my favor (Hello master's degree even though I had two children in the process) and sometimes it doesn't. I have mixed feelings about this aspect of my personality, but I am grateful that I'm in a place where I can recognize it.
I'm also in a place to know when my chemical imbalance is getting unmanageable. And, as much as I wish it wasn't true, I am very close to that place. These phases, these cycles of depression, are something that I have to work through. The main reason I wanted to start this blog is to help teach people how to manage these cycles, and learn from others in the process! If I really expect to be able to teach people how to manage their chemical imbalance, I have to manage my own first.
I love this blog, and am definitely not giving it up completely. But I'm at this place where I want it to be super perfect and successful, with all the right adds and thousands of followers, and that takes a lot of work. I want it to be perfect, but I don't have the capacity to make it perfect right now. So, I think I need to step back, take a breather, and get myself back into the right frame of mind.
After 4 severe panic attacks and a few weeks of worse-than-usual depression, - I have had some suicidal ideation. Ugh. I hate typing that. I hate it. But I said I was going to be honest, so there it is. I'm disappointed, angry, sad, worried- this is not where I want to be. But don't worry- I've been honest with my doctor, too. We're changing up my meds and I'm working closely with her to get through it. But medication can only take me so far.
I need a break. I need a break from the absurd expectations I put on myself. I need a break from social media. I need a break from the news and negativity. I just need some time to get through this phase. I need quiet, yoga, books, and my family. So I'll be signing off for a little while.
But I really believe I'll be back! I'm not ready to give up on Balancing Imbalance; I just need some time to recoup. If you'd like to keep in touch, I'll still be on instagram at @imbalanced_yogi. Instagram is one social media account that still brings me great joy, especially the yoga community, so you can find me there if you like.
Thank you for your understanding, love, and support. Talk soon. <3